I don’t even want to say it. You know I haven’t been blogging.
I have a ‘To Do’s’ list right on my bedside table that’s been reminding me every day that I haven’t been crossing any of them off daily as planned. Other Moms would probably say that I should take it easy on myself. That I’m now a Mom of two and that’s quite a handful. Or that I’m baking for my small start up business or blogging (so they thought!) and I have that to think about too. Well you see, that list has been sitting there since December. Beautifully written so that they are readable and I wouldn’t mistake it for random scribbles. That list has been in my range of vision, day in and day out, for two months now and only 3 have been crossed off. They’re pretty easy tasks too! Like clean Jacob’s closet of toys, clean his toy cars and Legos (because they get used so often and the OC Mom in me is cringing with the dirt it has accumulated since we got them!), and shred old receipts among others. Some are work related, like WRITE AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK (hasn’t happened for a good two weeks now since my anniversary post). Or polish a website that had troubles over the holidays. Just thinking about it makes me want to punch myself for procrastinating and waiting for things on the list to be crossed out first because I just hate, hate jumping over other things on the list. I write them chronologically according to the importance or urgency of completion. So no, I haven’t been doing well with my list.
But this is how I forget. You’re right. Mothering two boys take up an enormous amount of my time. Instead of me ticking off items on that list, I focus on the boys who demands my time 24/7. Let’s not forget the dear husband too! See, here’s my list of priorities at home: Husband, Kids, Home, Me. Funny enough, as I was chatting with my mommy friends over on Viber that bath comes last. There are days we are just too freaking exhausted to march our spit up, food, booger, sweat covered selves to the shower for that needed bath. True enough, most of the time I just do a general cleaning of myself before hitting the sack when I am just too tired! My boys on the other hand, never misses a bath. Joaquin even gets two baths a day because of his sensitive skin. This is how I forget anything that concerns me or anything that I do that only benefits me. Like honing my baking and cooking skills. Or this, writing.
My days are filled with kids stuff and issues. More often concerned with my milk production since we are still exclusively breastfeeding and with Joaquin’s skin problem, finding and preparing food for me is a struggle. With issues, it’s more of an internal debate whether I’m being a good enough Mom for Jacob because I’m too busy with his baby brother. If I were to judge myself, I would say I’m just about the passing mark of being a good Mom. I’ve been yelling a lot, something I am constantly trying to work on, but some days are just rough. On those days, I find myself searching on Google how to stop yelling or how to deal with a strong-willed child. On really bad days, I shed a tear or two when I reflect on how the day went and how I was a scary mommy. Thankfully Jacob hasn’t learned how to describe his Mommy. But earlier last night, he did say that he was sad because Mom’s angry (he made a frowning/annoyed face that I usually make), yet again. I got upset because he was jumping and bouncing about our big bed while Wacky was on it. A big no-no because he might accidentally squish his baby brother. Despite constant reminding, he forgets this a lot so obviously gets scolded a lot too.
Oscar scares me on how I’m always scolding and yelling, far too often than I wish I would be if at all. The other day he even went as far as telling me that my love for Jacob is only at 80% now. That comment pissed me off. I may have a problem with my patience with him, but I am constantly working on it every day. In no way will my love be any less just because of it. Thank goodness that he’s there to be my sub when I’m not having a good day. Days when their Dad is not around because of training are the hardest. I get a feel of what it’s like to be a single Mom of two boys. One needing to be constantly held and breastfed on demand, another asking you to play Play Dohs or matchbox cars with him. I get through it though, each one gets bathed, fed, and tucked to bed. This is when I am reminded how lucky I am to have such a hands-on husband who lets me gather my self up when he can see I’m not at my very best.
This is how I forget all of the things I have once told myself to do: When I’m alone with the two boys and they’re being all cute, playful and cuddly. And they allow me to take a quick photo or video so we can replay the moment later on. That’s how I forget that I had to check off that item on the list that I was supposed to clean.
Last night inspired me to finally write this one. As I try to put Joaquin to sleep by dancing him around the room, he looks at me in the eye and makes raspberry noises. Ugh, why is he being so cute when he’s supposed to be falling asleep by now! That’s how I forget that I’m supposed to put him quickly to bed so I can send that job application online so I can somewhat go back to being a WAHM.
When he finally falls asleep in my arms, I sit on the edge of the bed for a few minutes before I put him down. Jacob hovers over to check whether it’s safe to ask me for a hug so he can finally sleep. I feel so bad for the kid because he’s somewhat put second when Joaquin is being an overly demanding baby as he should be. I’m only comforted by the fact that even though Jacob is quick to forget, he understands that his baby brother needs me first because he’s still a baby and so that the crying will stop. And that he also understands that once Joaquin is asleep, he’ll have Mommy all to himself.
I lay Joaquin down in his crib and turn to Jacob on the bed, who has fallen asleep waiting for me. He’s curled around the area that I was just sitting on a few seconds ago as he patiently waits for Mommy to be finished with the baby. My heart was crushed because he had to wait. I moved him to the middle of the bed and lay down next to him. He wakes up a little, looks around and over me and asks, “Where’s Wacky?”. I tell him he’s in his bed. He motions to the glasses that I am still wearing and says, “Take off glasses.” Jacob pulls me closer to him and whispers, “Good night Mom, wuv you.” then drifts off to sleep. And just like that, I forget about everything else. Everything I had planned to do once the boys are fast asleep. Everything on that 2 month old list. Just because my primary job in this world as a Mom to these two boys are so tiring, yet so rewarding with these moments.
This is how I forget why I even questioned if I was being a ‘good enough’ Mom. This is how I forget that I needed to write a blog about so and so topics. But here I am now, because even though I did forget about all those other things, moments like last night with my boys made me remember why I am a supposed to be writing so I can share my journey with you.