I don’t even want to say it. You know I haven’t been blogging.

I have a ‘To Do’s’ list right on my bedside table that’s been reminding me every day that I haven’t been crossing any of them off daily as planned. Other Moms would probably say that I should take it easy on myself. That I’m now a Mom of two and that’s quite a handful. Or that I’m baking for my small start up business or blogging (so they thought!) and I have that to think about too. Well you see, that list has been sitting there since December. Beautifully written so that they are readable and I wouldn’t mistake it for random scribbles. That list has been in my range of vision, day in and day out, for two months now and only 3 have been crossed off. They’re pretty easy tasks too! Like clean Jacob’s closet of toys, clean his toy cars and Legos (because they get used so often and the OC Mom in me is cringing with the dirt it has accumulated since we got them!), and shred old receipts among others. Some are work related, like WRITE AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK (hasn’t happened for a good two weeks now since my anniversary post). Or polish a website that had troubles over the holidays. Just thinking about it makes me want to punch myself for procrastinating and waiting for things on the list to be crossed out first because I just hate, hate jumping over other things on the list.  I write them chronologically according to the importance or urgency of completion. So no, I haven’t been doing well with my list.

I practice on my frosting, which is still very very rough and needs a ton of practice and polishing!

On my free time, I practice on my frosting, which is still very very rough and needs a ton of practice and polishing!

I don't usually make cakes, but I'm trying to learn on my own.

I don’t usually make cakes (my Mom is the one who makes the best!), but I’m trying to learn on my own. I made this for Jacob’s homework.

But this is how I forget. You’re right. Mothering two boys take up an enormous amount of my time. Instead of me ticking off items on that list, I focus on the boys who demands my time 24/7. Let’s not forget the dear husband too! See, here’s my list of priorities at home: Husband, Kids, Home, Me. Funny enough, as I was chatting with my mommy friends over on Viber that bath comes last. There are days we are just too freaking exhausted to march our spit up, food, booger, sweat covered selves to the shower for that needed bath. True enough, most of the time I just do a general cleaning of myself before hitting the sack when I am just too tired! My boys on the other hand, never misses a bath. Joaquin even gets two baths a day because of his sensitive skin. This is how I forget anything that concerns me or anything that I do that only benefits me. Like honing my baking and cooking skills. Or this, writing.

Making banana chocolate chip muffins. He puts so much chocolate chips!

Making banana chocolate chip muffins. He puts so much chocolate chips!

My days are filled with kids stuff and issues. More often concerned with my milk production since we are still exclusively breastfeeding and with Joaquin’s skin problem, finding and preparing food for me is a struggle. With issues, it’s more of an internal debate whether I’m being a good enough Mom for Jacob because I’m too busy with his baby brother. If I were to judge myself, I would say I’m just about the passing mark of being a good Mom. I’ve been yelling a lot, something I am constantly trying to work on, but some days are just rough. On those days, I find myself searching on Google how to stop yelling or how to deal with a strong-willed child. On really bad days, I shed a tear or two when I reflect on how the day went and how I was a scary mommy. Thankfully Jacob hasn’t learned how to describe his Mommy. But earlier last night, he did say that he was sad because Mom’s angry (he made a frowning/annoyed face that I usually make), yet again. I got upset because he was jumping and bouncing about our big bed while Wacky was on it. A big no-no because he might accidentally squish his baby brother. Despite constant reminding, he forgets this a lot so obviously gets scolded a lot too.

Oscar scares me on how I’m always scolding and yelling, far too often than I wish I would be if at all. The other day he even went as far as telling me that my love for Jacob is only at 80% now. That comment pissed me off. I may have a problem with my patience with him, but I am constantly working on it every day. In no way will my love be any less just because of it. Thank goodness that he’s there to be my sub when I’m not having a good day. Days when their Dad is not around because of training are the hardest. I get a feel of what it’s like to be a single Mom of two boys. One needing to be constantly held and breastfed on demand, another asking you to play Play Dohs or matchbox cars with him. I get through it though, each one gets bathed, fed, and tucked to bed. This is when I am reminded how lucky I am to have such a hands-on husband who lets me gather my self up when he can see I’m not at my very best.

Wanna take a guess why my face is like that?

Wanna take a guess why my face is like that?

This is how I forget all of the things I have once told myself to do: When I’m alone with the two boys and they’re being all cute, playful and cuddly. And they allow me to take a quick photo or video so we can replay the moment later on. That’s how I forget that I had to check off that item on the list that I was supposed to clean.

Last night inspired me to finally write this one. As I try to put Joaquin to sleep by dancing him around the room, he looks at me in the eye and makes raspberry noises. Ugh, why is he being so cute when he’s supposed to be falling asleep by now! That’s how I forget that I’m supposed to put him quickly to bed so I can send that job application online so I can somewhat go back to being a WAHM.

I can't take my eyes off of these two!

I can’t take my eyes off of these two!

When he finally falls asleep in my arms, I sit on the edge of the bed for a few minutes before I put him down. Jacob hovers over to check whether it’s safe to ask me for a hug so he can finally sleep. I feel so bad for the kid because he’s somewhat put second when Joaquin is being an overly demanding baby as he should be. I’m only comforted by the fact that even though Jacob is quick to forget, he understands that his baby brother needs me first because he’s still a baby and so that the crying will stop. And that he also understands that once Joaquin is asleep, he’ll have Mommy all to himself.

I lay Joaquin down in his crib and turn to Jacob on the bed, who has fallen asleep waiting for me. He’s curled around the area that I was just sitting on a few seconds ago as he patiently waits for Mommy to be finished with the baby. My heart was crushed because he had to wait. I moved him to the middle of the bed and lay down next to him. He wakes up a little, looks around and over me and asks, “Where’s Wacky?”. I tell him he’s in his bed. He motions to the glasses that I am still wearing and says, “Take off glasses.” Jacob pulls me closer to him and whispers, “Good night Mom, wuv you.” then drifts off to sleep. And just like that, I forget about everything else. Everything I had planned to do once the boys are fast asleep. Everything on that 2 month old list. Just because my primary job in this world as a Mom to these two boys are so tiring, yet so rewarding with these moments.

My #SantiagoBros

My #SantiagoBros

This is how I forget why I even questioned if I was being a ‘good enough’ Mom. This is how I forget that I needed to write a blog about so and so topics. But here I am now, because even though I did forget about all those other things, moments like last night with my boys made me remember why I am a supposed to be writing so I can share my journey with you.

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Roxi

Roxi is happily married and mom to two boys (#SantiagoBros!). Mommy blogger since 2010, work-at-home Mom as a virtual assistant and web designer at Mommy Mover.

21 Comments

  1. Didi says:

    OMG Ang ganda naman ng frosting mo! Talent yan mother.. TALENT!
    I don’t think I can be as patient as you because I’m sure – hindi yan sandali lang gawin!!

    They’re so pretty!!!!!!!!
    I admire those who have *taste* to make beautiful things! Ako kasi, I like things simple, too simple at that. Wala akong imagination or tamad ako ng mag-imagine. Hahaha!!!

    I wish you good luck!!!!

    Love, Didi

    • Hahaha! Didi, I never thought I’d be baking like this. My Mom inspired me! She’s the baker! It takes a lot of patience and citronella oil so the mosquitoes won’t ‘papak’ my legs while I do the frosting. 😀

  2. Maan says:

    Awww the feels 🙂 I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through, because I don’t, but here’s what I know. Remind yourself that sometimes, things are just too heavy to handle. And you know what? We’re not built to go through them alone. God promises to take care of us when the going gets too rough; all we need to do is to surrender our burdens to Him. 🙂

  3. Yes, it gets hard. I understand that, being a mom myself, but all we need is a reminder on why we are doing what we’re doing. I am so happy for you ’cause I feel that you take one look at your kids and you instantly get reminded by what’s important. Don’t mind not being able to blog regularly. Kids first naman talaga dapat. You’re an inspiration, mommy!

  4. When My little girl was still a baby, I had alot of shouting moments too not to mention that I felt bad for being a bad mom to my first born. It was hard yes, but I have to remind him all the time that baby sister cannot play like a big kid yet. One of the reasons also why I get stressed out is when the eldest (husband) thinks I can man the house with ease but deep imside been wanting to kick him to at least lend me a hand! Oftentimes they do forget we don’t have that bato ni darna with us!

  5. I chuckled when I read, “bath comes last”! Super relate! I agree, sometimes, just staring at them sleeping is eating up our time but it’s one of those really lovely moments.

    • My youngest is so clingy! Last night I was showering (finally!) and had to go out earlier than I wished because he was crying out loud despite being carried by my husband na. I told him, “Anak, sobrang lamang ka na sa ligo kay Mommy. Let me take a bath!” Hahaha!

  6. I feel the same way. I come up with my list on what to write accordingly to it’s importance and interesting one. Andami ko nakasulat iilan pa lang ang published. 🙁 I envy you kasi EBF ka, ako saglit lang sa mga bata dahil narin naubusan agad. It’s just so hard to divide time for all the things we need to do, minsan ako wala ng me time. I can only write if tapos na shift ko and while kids are relaxing after school or kahit nasa school sila. We can always do this mommy, yan one of the plan ko, learn how to bake kasi Yuriboy would want me to bake banana loaf and make their favorite tarts.

    • I have that list on my phone too! I looked at it one day and thought that it’s so long that I’ll never get them done. So I scrapped some topics that are not so important and left those that will be interesting to my readers rin.

  7. Cai says:

    Baking looks fun! 🙂

  8. Ayi says:

    I know how it feels mommy. My girls have 18-month gap, both with different sets of needs. I also have an online job and online business that needs my attention too. Sometimes, I don’t even know how I am able to survive the day or if I’m being good enough – as a wife and mom. But with my husband’s reassurance, I know I am doing great. It’s all about timing and pacing. I always make sure to spend equal time with my kids and schedule everything para walang nakakalimutan 🙂 Cheer up mommy! For sure you’re doing great too 🙂

    • Yes! Thank God for awesome husbands and fathers of our kids. That’s why I salute single Moms for their strength to do both roles at home and in their children’s lives without going crazy.

  9. I have backlogs too but then again, family comes first!

  10. Jen says:

    Awww… I am so touched! I can’t imagine myself being a mom of two too but sooner or later, I know I will. Thanks for sharing these. I surely know now what to expect being a mom of two! It’s ok not to tick those things off, our job is to become a mom to them anyway. Be more patient =)

  11. Lorly Omadto says:

    the cakes are to die for! but yep, thanks for reminding me about my end-all and be-all: my kids. keep your posts coming!

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